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Someone sent me this! (it is funny...)

region2region2Member
To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The
Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize." You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen."
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day." You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we
show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and
those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager."
American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside
of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You must tell us who killed JFK. It has been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.

R2
Original Post

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rickrickMember
The vegetable peeler ban is going to be a tough one (trust me). The States has a very strong peeler lobby called the National Peeler Association (NPA). They’ll insist that even a Samurai sword is still necessary for peeler enthusiasts/hobbyists and will prevent any peeler registration, or even a peeler database.

Fully support the German car (trust me) amendment, but that might impact Saab sells.

On the Hollywood scene, looks like Hugh Grant and Anthony Hopkins are going to be very busy fellows.



P.S. The Kansas exemption is a good idea (trust me). [Silly Winking Graemlin]
region2region2Member
quote:
We get this from the only country on earth where someone dressed as a comic book super hero has ever tried to break into Parliament
Three guys got into Parliament dressed as tradesmen - the superhero 'thing' was Fathers-for-Justice breaking into Buckingham Palace and the entrance to Downing Street as well as Tower Bridge etc. more >>>

R2 [who hates cricket and football]
rickrickMember
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have, to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.....Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.....And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch in the other, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle. – Johnny Carson
falcongalfalcongalMember
The Brits may gripe about us, but they need us more than they realize. Let’s face it, any place that puts vinegar on fries and comes up with shrimp (“prawn”) flavored potato chips needs our help.

Take fox hunting for example. In Britain, it takes whole pack of people to hunt one little fox. They dress up in strange looking uniforms to go after the animal. Maybe they’re trying to amuse it?? Then they spend all day chasing after the thing with a pack of hounds and come home empty handed. Any good old boy in the United States can go out shooting and come home with plenty of foxes and probably a squirrel or two thrown in, with or without his hound dog. He doesn’t even need a fancy coat. Maybe we should send a few of our good old boys over there to show them how it’s done, if it’s still legal.

Then there are the cars. They actually have a model of car with only three wheels over there. I don’t remember what they’re called, but this is no joke. You won’t catch an American driving around in a three-wheeled car unless one of his wheels has just fallen off.

We don’t use our mallets for pounding balls in some game named after a bug. We use them for fixing things.

We don’t need a monarchy. We have soap operas on TV. And what’s taking so long with the Harry Potter books??? Razz
region2region2Member
I posted the original to celebrate the differences, not to cause hurt feelings. It is amazing how different we are, despite speaking the same (nearly!) language. With the world getting smaller these differences are going to be more noticeable but then we'll all adjust to become one big nation... won't we?

Want to try prawn-cocktail crisps? (shrimp chips?) Try this website - delivers world-wide! [_BRITSTORE_].

Robin Reliant 3 wheelers get bad press here too - so much so that they are immortalised in Only Fools and Horses:
.

R2
G gardengnomeMember
Actually Dave, the Isetta was a BMW, Heinkel and Messerschmidt also built tri-wheelers post-war.

Pre-war Britain had the Morgan 3-wheeler and quite a few post-war types - including the successful Scammell Scarab lorry based on the pre-war Mechanical Horse.

Italy's Vespa got involved too, and Japan had lots of 3's; Mazda, Daihatsu, etc. cut their automotive teeth on small 3-wheeler delivery vans.

GG
G gardengnomeMember
They can wind up on their sides Jabber, have you ever watched Mr. Bean? One wheel in front does make a lot of sense in terms of manouevrability however. Scarabs could be adapted as tow-trucks and were particularly useful in narrow confines (such as tunnels) for their ability to turn in almost their own length.

An oft-unrealised problem for tri-wheelers is when driving in heavy snow. Four-wheelers can follow the previous car's tracks and avoid getting stuck; but when your 3rd wheel is in the middle.....! Similar problems arise on unmade tracks.

GG
cameracameraMember
Joining rather late (as usual) in the discussion about Reliants (known popularly as Plastic Pigs)

Believe me, there is a US connection! The engine that powered these was derived from the Austin engine that was also used to power the pre-war Pennsylvanian Bantam.
!Web Site devoted to the Bantam).

They enjoy a fanatic devotion from owners.
Just been to a Wedding where two were used to bring the Groom, best man & about five others (all crammed in the back!) to the Church. I had to follow these and was amazed at the way they climbed hills!

Their main fault was a tendency to catch fire. Another friend related how her husband smelt burning, stopped the car, calmly got her and the children out and they all stood by the roadside and watched it burn to a frazzle!
M mikefromwestyorkshireMember
quote:
Originally posted by Camera Collector:
Joining rather late (as usual) in the discussion about Reliants (known popularly as Plastic Pigs)

Believe me, there is a US connection! The engine that powered these was derived from the Austin engine that was also used to power the pre-war Pennsylvanian Bantam.
!Web Site devoted to the Bantam).

Even later! The Austin Seven was also used under licence as the first BMW car (the Dixi) and was copied by messrs Den, Aoyama and Takahichi (sp?) that became DATsun.
When the Seven ceased to be made in 1939, the Reliant copied many of the ideas from the engine and used it up to the 1960s.
M mikefromwestyorkshireMember
quote:
Originally posted by Falcon Gal:
Let’s face it, any place that puts vinegar on fries and comes up with shrimp (“prawn”) flavored potato chips needs our help.

The Dutch put mayonnaise on chips (US fries)
As for crisps (US chips) they are loaded with all sorts of nasties, so one Brit does not eat them!
quote:

Take fox hunting for example. In Britain, it takes whole pack of people to hunt one little fox. They dress up in strange looking uniforms to go after the animal. Maybe they’re trying to amuse it?? Then they spend all day chasing after the thing with a pack of hounds and come home empty handed. Any good old boy in the United States can go out shooting and come home with plenty of foxes and probably a squirrel or two thrown in, with or without his hound dog. He doesn’t even need a fancy coat. Maybe we should send a few of our good old boys over there to show them how it’s done, if it’s still legal.

Thankfully, it is illegal. As should be any killing of any sort, except maybe for food.
quote:

Then there are the cars. They actually have a model of car with only three wheels over there. I don’t remember what they’re called, but this is no joke. You won’t catch an American driving around in a three-wheeled car unless one of his wheels has just fallen off.

My Citroen DS (4 wheels) will quite happily run with a back wheel removed, as President DeGaulle found when both tyres were shot at an assassination attempt.

quote:

We don’t use our mallets for pounding balls in some game named after a bug. We use them for fixing things.

I don't either - I don't do balls Smile Use mallets for tent pegs sometimes.
quote:

We don’t need a monarchy. We have soap operas on TV. And what’s taking so long with the Harry Potter books??? Razz

I don't think we need one either! Soaps? No-one in their right mind actually watches them!
G gardengnomeMember
Up until a couple of years ago I felt the same way Mike, even though we do have a couple of nasties here (redbacks and white-tails). Then one of the latter bit me on the hand and left me with a serious infection and a pus-filled swelling literally the size of an egg - no more Mr. Nice-Guy!

I no longer tolerate them in the house the way I used to (even Huntsmen), and especially not in the car.

GG
M mikefromwestyorkshireMember
quote:
Originally posted by Gardengnome:
Up until a couple of years ago I felt the same way Mike, even though we do have a couple of nasties here (redbacks and white-tails). Then one of the latter bit me on the hand and left me with a serious infection and a pus-filled swelling literally the size of an egg - no more Mr. Nice-Guy!

I no longer tolerate them in the house the way I used to (even Huntsmen), and especially not in the car.

GG

Aaarrrggghhh! I would do the same! Dunno what a Huntsman is (yet, before googling)
G gardengnomeMember
Seriously though Mike, they are harmless - normally.

Once they get inside they'll hang out in the corners of the ceiling, creeping around during the night. They don't build a web, they literally 'hunt' their prey. If they know you're after them (and they do!) they move like greased lightning!

When you get into your car and find you left the window open overnight the first thing to do is gently pull the sun-visor down a fraction and check there isn't one hiding there.

I've had one nest in the dashboard too.

GG
J jabbergahMember
quote:
I've never seen one 15cm across, 8-10 is more common.
WOW!!! I was a spider fan when I was a kid, but a spider that size is a bit intimidating, especially when they can scurry around like lightning! It sounds like they are tarantulas on speed! A lot of tarantulas move rather leisurely.

Are the huntsman spiders only native to Australia?
G gardengnomeMember
Belatedly sorry Jabber - reckon I must have lost a couple of days somewhere.....

Yes, the Huntsman is native to south-eastern Australia. So wherever you are you're probably safe, unless we've started exporting them.

They're especially suited to the rough, loose bark of gum trees but they LOVE cars, and I can personally vouch for the speed. They'll crawl into the door cavity and lie low until you open the door then zip over the seal and up into the dash.

Story one;

One night driving home from a mate's I spot one on the bull-bar above the headlight. I accelerate to about 120kmh (75mph) and it's hanging on by only two legs when I have to slow for traffic. It proceeds to walk up the bonnet and disappear down the vents in front of the windscreen. Bang, Bang, Bang - that's all the interior vents slamming shut!

When I got home I filled the vent chamber with insecticide and waited......nothing. Finally I opened the bonnet and there it was crawling out of the hinge aperture. It ran to the top of the cab and when I approached reared up on its hind legs in a very threatening posture before racing down the car to the rear of the canopy. When I got near it there it again reared up than ran to the front. "This is gonna go on all night" I thought to meself.

I got the garden hose with a trigger nozzle and, taking a Dirty Harry stance, waited till it reared up and blasted it into next door's garden. Next day you could see its tracks in the dust on the car!

Story two;

For a couple of weeks I'd gotten used to seeing a tiny little spider on the inside of the windscreen, no big deal, don't worry about it.

Then one night I hop into the car to go somewhere and in the reflected glow of the headlights I see one, two, three, fou....... dozens! A glance 'round and there's hundreds of 'em crawling all over the interior and hanging from the roof lining on their little threads!!!!

I dived out and fetched the insecticide, filling the interior with a literal fog of gas - so thick the flashlight made a solid beam from one side of the car to the other.

The next morning there are hundreds of little bodies, like tiny clenched fists, lying all over the car, so I brush them out and head off to work.

Halfway there, in fast, heavy traffic, a somewhat aggrieved mother Huntsman exits dashboard and proceeds to hurtle 'round the interior, finally, and thankfully, popping out of the sun-roof. You've never seen a sun-roof slammed so fast!

When I finally got to work there was no sign of her, but for a long time I checked every nook and cranny before driving off - especially the sun-visors.

GG
falcongalfalcongalMember
Aaagh, Gardengnome, that's awful! I'm not sure I would have ever gotten into that car again.

We have black widow spiders, and no shortage of them. They're poisonous, too. This weekend and next weekend I plan to clean out the storage shed to have a yard sale, so this subject is right on time.

Lexie, it's great to see you again! Cool
G gardengnomeMember
Yes, Serenity, an elderly friend of mine was bitten by a White-tail and nearly lost her leg (at first they thought she'd lose her life), however she's a tough old bird and recovered, allbeit with a deep scar.

People laugh at me because, when lifting furniture or similar that's been in place for a long time (especially if there's a hollow space under there), I always get down and have a look before I stick my hands underneath to lift.

Better wear gloves, Falcon.

GG
J jabbergahMember
GG -- Thanks for the entertaining personal Huntsman stories! Those stories are the makings of horror movies! Eek What I can't figure out is what the heck is this huge spider eating in your car?!? With the Huntsman spider being so big, does it eat small birds, reptiles, & mammals too? Since it is so light on its feet, it sounds like it is fast enough to be able to catch them if it wanted to. Are there any LARGE insects native to Australia that the huntsman spiders like to feed on?

I never heard of the white tail spider, but I did a search and found <this link>. Sounds like quite a nasty!

RE: The brown recluse spider is probably one of the nastiest spiders to be found living in the USA. While it is typically only an inch or less in diameter, it's venom causes the flesh to literally die around the bite site. The amount of venom injected in the bite will determine how large the diameter of the affected tissue. I've never seen a brown recluse "in the wild" that I know of.

RE: The black widow spider is another spider found in the USA, more commonly in areas that have milder winters than those that don't. It's venom is also fairly potent, but not as bad as the recluse, I don't think. I don't recall for sure, but I don't think the widow's venom causes the tissue damage the recluse's does. The female black widow is kind of pretty, about the size of a large pea, shiny jet black with red or white markings (often an hourglass shaped marking) on the bottom of the abdomen. The male is maybe a tenth the size of the female and is not as well known as the female, as he commonly gets eaten by his "wife" shortly after mating! Oddly enough, when I was in the 5th to 8th grades, my family lived in North Carolina, and for a couple years I had "pet" black widows during the summer! I kept a couple in a couple mustard jars on the kitchen counter. Mom was pretty cool about them as long as they were in jars! I actually became adept enough to be able to pluck a spider web and determine by feel whether it was a black widow web or a house spider web (they LOOK very similar, but usually feel different -- the tensile strength of the widow web is generally higher). Never got bit, though. Interesting trivia -- black widow babies are totally WHITE when they hatch. Oops! I better stop now that you all know what a bizarre kid I was!! Eek Oh yeah, I liked grass spiders and praying mantis, too! Roll Eyes

Lexie, now that you remind me, I remember that huntsman pic you posted. I didn't remember how big you said it was! Eek Not sure I believe it since you couldn't get the spider to hold a ruler! Razz
G gardengnomeMember
They wouldn't be near big enough to threaten birds Jabber, but I wouldn't be surprised if they fed on skinks and other little beasties. As cars seem to be magnets for spiders I imagine the Huntsman subsists by eating other, smaller, arachnids as well.

I've heard of the Black Widow of course but not the Brown Recluse. Sounds like a nasty little devil. Sydney's got the Funnel-web, which really is a killer. There's an antidote these days and I don't think anyone's died recently.

While there's a fair bit of controversy about whether White-tails etc. can cause the flesh-rotting effects many believe, I have been bitten as I said on an earlier post. The effect was painful and nasty enough to convince me to give all spiders the benefit of the doubt and not trust ANY of them.

All this talk of spiders has made me edgy - I'm off 'round the house with a can of Baygon and a mallet!

GG
rickrickMember
Re: Black Widow Spiders (General)
  • For male BW’s (there can’t be any widowers), I assume there are only two classifications – virgins and dinner.
  • “Till death do us part” would be changed to “Till sex do us part”.
  • Must be next to impossible to find an “experienced” male BW.
  • Extended foreplay is probably a good idea.
  • Not much call for BW pre-nuptials.
  • Can a male use the, “Not tonight honey – I have a headache” excuse?
  • “Safe sex” for BW’s is a challenging concept.
  • Can a BW give a hickie?
  • Not much chance of males cheating.
  • All BW children are brought up in a one-parent household.
  • At least Mother’s day is celebrated.
  • Q: What did your Dad look like? A: Leftovers.
  • Q: What do you last remember about your Dad? A: Burp.
  • Can a BW have a vasectomy?
  • Is there a BW “Right to Life” group?
  • What happens if the couple is infertile? (Is adoption an option?)
  • Who gives away the bride?
  • Check appropriate Male BW marital status: __ Dead


Re: Black Widow Spiders (Pets)
  • Does one name them?
  • Can they be taught tricks, besides bite?
  • Do they like to be petted?
  • Do they like to play with human children?
  • Do you take them to the vets when they get sick?
  • Are there pet cemeteries (for the females)?
  • Are BW leash laws enforced?
  • How big are BW tags?
  • Is there such a thing as BW liter?
  • How long before they are house broken?
  • Are there BW shows?
  • What does it take to become a judge?

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