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If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates!"
His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals.
Here are some of his gems:
> >1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
> >2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
> >3- Half the people you know are below average.
> >4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
> >5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
> >6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
> >7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
> >8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
> >9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
> >10- The early bird may get t he worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
> >11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
> >12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
> >13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
> >14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
> >15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
> >16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
> >17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
> >18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
> >19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
> >20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
> >21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
> >22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
> >23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
> >24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
> >25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
> >26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
> >27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
> >28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
> >29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
> >30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
> >31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
> >32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
> >33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
> >
> >...and the all time favorite-
> >
> >34- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
> >headlights work?
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates!"
His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals.
Here are some of his gems:
> >1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
> >2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
> >3- Half the people you know are below average.
> >4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
> >5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
> >6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
> >7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
> >8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
> >9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
> >10- The early bird may get t he worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
> >11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
> >12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
> >13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
> >14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
> >15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
> >16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
> >17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
> >18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
> >19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
> >20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
> >21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
> >22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
> >23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
> >24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
> >25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
> >26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
> >27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
> >28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
> >29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
> >30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
> >31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
> >32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
> >33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
> >
> >...and the all time favorite-
> >
> >34- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
> >headlights work?
Dave will like that.quote:Originally posted by Serenity:
> >21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
quote:Originally posted by Rick:Dave will like that.quote:Originally posted by Serenity:
> >21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Ah - the light has dawned! Or was that because the dark was faster?
Dunno.
Anyhow - now I know what Dave was referring to about 'weasles' !
quote:Ah - the light has dawned! Or was that because the dark was faster?
Dunno.
Anyhow - now I know what Dave was referring to about 'weasles' !
Lol, Mike! Maybe it is our age or the combination thereof!
I'll let you know. I'm about to read "The Speed of Dark".quote:Originally posted by Serenity:
> >12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
quote:Originally posted by Serenity:
> >21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Hmmm, I know that I lifted it from somewhere on the web; but it was not from a listing like that.
Lol, Dave, no matter, I like it
It's an easy signature to remember.
quote:Originally posted by Serenity:quote:Ah - the light has dawned! Or was that because the dark was faster?
Dunno.
Anyhow - now I know what Dave was referring to about 'weasles' !
Lol, Mike! Maybe it is our age or the combination thereof!
Totally off at a tangent, but one of my ten best favourite cartoons is a grocer's shop 'A Weasel & Sons' and Mr Weasel standing at the counter with a customer with a shopping list: '1/2 pound tuppenny rice. 1/2 pound treacle'.
Caption 'Weasel did not like the way this was going!'
[the caption reads: Weasels Ripped My Flesh]
man with long hair and beard