I love my country.
REBUTTAL:
A message to John Cleese from the citizens of the United States of America:
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!
In light of your threat to revoke our independence, we are assuredly certain that you are indeed a comedian, since no serious-minded Brit would ever forget so easily how America “whooped your arse” in every battle ever fought on Yankee soil.
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy. After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt.
Of course, we would welcome your Queen to our shores any time, as her incredible fashion sense would lend itself nicely to Soho’s garment district, San Francisco’s cross-dressing community, the U.S. wax museums, or any Easter parade.
We would also welcome Tony Blair to govern alongside of our esteemed President Bush. We have not been amused by a duo that hilarious since Abbott & Costello’s “Who’s On First?” routine. You needn’t threaten disbandment of Congress, however, as most of them sleep through sessions anyway (think Parliament, without the powdered wigs).
Thank you for the tips re: transition to a British Crown Dependency. While we are most confident we will never need them, we would like to reciprocate with a few tips of our own to facilitate your visit or immigration to the country of purple mountains and amber waves of grain (after all, most of your former citizens now make up America’s most beloved rock and roll bands anyway).
1.) We would like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. Don’t you think it is an interesting fact that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles We use Webster’s Dictionary in America, as Webbie was a Harvard man, and we do so enjoy pandering to our Ivy League pseudo-intellectuals (think Tony Blair, prior to the last election). Webbie spells “aluminum” as it sounds. But since you are fond of adding useless “U”’s to words as decoration, please feel free to spell it “aluminoum” while you are here. We don’t mind. After all, we are the Melting Pot of the world, and while your superiority complex would indeed stand out among our average citizenry, your inability to conform to our speech patterns or anything else Americana would likely land you a job at any American phone company in its customer service department, or as cabbies in New York City.
Did you know that Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).
2.) “Like” and “you know” are keywords used by American teens to gauge parental aggravation. We are not happy about the overuse of these words by our youth, but compared to the British “poppycock” and “I say, old bean”, we consider ourselves lucky. By the way, are British lads wearing long pants yet? Feel free to legally import our K-Mart “Blue Light Special” denim jeans to sell in the UK for $200 per pair. We like to share our wealth, and would rather you went about the importation of goods to the UK in a more dignified and legal way, rather than smuggling them, so that we can reap the tax benefits. It’s only fair.
3.) Feel free to attempt the conversion of the Microsoft spell-checker. We understand Bill Gates spends more time and money on your shores than ours anyway, thus making it difficult to contact him from here, unless of course you get in touch with one of your immigrant comrades at the phone company.
4.) We find it interesting that you refer to “God Save The Queen” as your “national anthem”. In fact, it is sung in the United Kingdom only as a matter of tradition. It has never been proclaimed the national anthem by any Act of Parliament or Royal Proclamation. But regardless of this oversight on your part, we thank you for the chuckle in stanza #2 of your country’s traditional song:
“O Lord, our God, arise,
Scatter thine enemies,
And make them fall:
Confound their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks,
On thee our hopes we fix:
God save us all.”
It really is inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title when ever your monarch dies. Let’s not forget that your supposedly national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittnia ditty, its toe tapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt “Candle in the Wind” again for you guys
Perhaps you would have better luck peddling this song to Iraq, as we are certain they dislike our "knavish tricks". However, you may be forced to substitute “God” for another deity, should you decide to take us up on our suggestion. May we suggest “Goud,” to satisfy your love for the letter “U”?
5) Should you decide to cancel July 4th, we feel obliged to warn you: you and your comrades would most assuredly be found at every Redneck barbecue on the rotisserie with apples in your mouths. Trust us - you don’t mess with a hillbilly’s right to celebrate with beer and fireworks.
6.) Although it is written in stone in the Second Amendment to our Constitution, thus making it a citizen’s right, it is a fallisy to state that every American carries a weapon. We hide them in our toddlers’ diapers instead. Knowing you would recognize (recognise?) the dry humour in this, allow us to be frank: a Brit’s askewed view of America can be traced to the BBC. (After all, what else are you going to watch? Coronation Street?) BBC is fed news from America via either Los Angeles or New York City, which cities are the Top 2 in America known for violent crime. Saying all Americans own and/or use guns regularly, based on the news from the BBC, is akin to Americans saying all Brits have bad teeth, love gossip, and liquidate their paychecks in pubs, based on the news we receive from your tabloids and homely BBC broadcasters. As well, our lawyers are much like your barristers, only they get to keep a great deal more of their earnings since we have no Queen to keep in the lap of luxury. And strangely enough, our most famous therapists drive British automobiles, so you should be thanking them for your jobs – the ones you have to go to Germany to get.
Talking about cars, you’re doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing. It’s cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England then to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins that is why we bought the companies.
7.) We thank you for your offer to convert our English system of measurement to metric. It is far more accurate, and when measuring petrol, we want to get our nine-tenth’s worth. Paying $6/US gallon will probably happen when our troops are withdrawn from the Middle East. Sadly, this would cause your gasoline costs to double, unless you can somehow figure out how to convert the oil-covered Thames River into petrol. Speaking of oil rich England (British humour here), we feel that roundabouts, though fun for the young, would seriously impair our elderly population. It is hard enough for us to get them to turn off their right-turn blinkers on the highway, much less keep them from serious vertigo should they be forced to drive around in circles all day.
8.) Real chips are neither US fries nor British crisps. They are poker chips, used at all of our native-run casinos. Since the Pocahontas incident probably absolved you from native animosity on our shores, I’m sure you would be welcome to spend your hard earned pounds at their tables. Just a hint: Blackjack is also called 21, but since you are accustomed to the metric system - and we would want to accommodate your customs - Blackjack, for you, would also be called 3, although the same rules as 21 would apply. We wouldn’t want you to lose your return British Airways ticket money at our casinos, so you can thank us later.
9.) While we Americans often walk on the wild side and sample British beer you can eat with a spoon fresh from the microwave, we are happier using our amber waves of grain in dark bread instead of sludgy beer. If it’s a bug urine taste you seek, may we suggest you try the beer from the country north of us, with creative names like “Canadian”.
10.) If you want English Actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don’t rely on us for your modern popular culture. We agree with you that Hollywood’s lack of English actors is abominable, especially in comedies, considering the grasp of humour for which you Brits are well known the world over. We truly enjoyed Sir John Gielgud’s performance in “Arthur”. But could you please do us a favor and take Elton John home? Ever since he gave up his vast array of sunglasses and fashionable conservative British performance attire, we have no use for him here.
11.) We cannot, in good conscience, allow you to interfere with American football. Its athletic scholarship programs are the only ways Goober and Gomer from the Ozarks can graduate from prestigious universities and become the lawyers we so desperately need. Further, we cannot allow you to dispense with American baseball, either. Bookies are people, too - just ask Pete Rose – and our unemployment rate is high enough.
“You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.”
12.) We will tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for “Telletubbies” and you must promise to take John Elton back home.
Hmmmmmm…you guys really need another TV show besides "Have You Been Serv'd?" and reruns of "Benny Hill". Though the CIA and FBI pale in comparison to the Keystone Kops you call "bobbies", we will pacify your curiosity, British tabloid style: Ari Onassis probably put the hit on JFK. He and Jackie were hotter than Jack and Marilyn. Ari had more money than “Goud”, so he could afford to escape conviction by hiring Gomer The Lawyer.
13.) Although we believe our debts to your country we paid in full when we allowed
British rock music and shaggy haircuts to invade America, we can certainly understand why your IRS agents are backlogged, what with draining your taxpayers to feed the royal family and all. See you in another 200 years.
14.) We Americans would certainly welcome a daily 4:00 tea time, as well as your customary early workday skip to the pub an hour before work is supposed to end. We’d also like a daily Mexican 2-hour siesta, and a Canadian civil holiday each and every month. At that rate, our traditional 40-hour work week would be reduced to a scant 9 hour week, leaving us more free time to make more American babies in whose diapers we can hide more guns. It’s the American way! which obviously isn´t so hysterically funny!